Rejected by Man, Chosen by God

I have been rejected. A lot. As a teenager the lifestyle I chose to pursue caused many people who were once friends to turn their backs on me. I made enemies through bad choices and became known around town for things I now wish I could wipe from my memory. I endured mocking by my classmates and, at times even by those I did not know. My reputation was making it impossible for anyone to see past my actions to the heartbreak I was carrying around with me.
I was just like everyone other teenage girl. I wanted to be liked. I desired to be popular. I dreamed of my wedding day, of marrying my high school sweetheart and having his family love and accept me with open arms. But that was not my life. I did not experience the acceptance that I desired at school, at church or anywhere else I looked for it.
I knew that I was the only one responsible for the road I was taking. I understood that people were rejecting and condemning me because of what I was doing. And yet, I kept walking the same way for 8 years. It was as if I thought that the only love I was going to find was the kind that could only be found one way. I knew that it wasn't real, but at least it was something. At least for a little while I could pretend that the arms I was in were there to love and protect me forever. That I was worth holding on to. That I was chosen. Every time I made that choice, I felt a little bit more worthless, a little bit more unlovable. Then one day, those feelings were confirmed.
My dad had very little to do with raising me. He was never really affectionate, supportive or protective. But he never deliberately tore me down. Unless he was drinking or under the influence of some sort of chemical substance. During those times, there was no way to know what was going to come out of his mouth. Many times, I chose not to listen. But when someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally says something that confirms the worst things you think about yourself, something deep within changes and you are faced with a choice. You can let it make you stronger or you can accept it and allow it to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I chose the latter.
Wondering what he said? Let me tell you. It was one afternoon when I was 16 years old. My mom and dad were arguing in the kitchen. When I heard my dad slam mom into the wall, I called the police. They came. Nothing was done because my parents were still legally married and mom did not want to press charges. But because they were separated, I assumed that was the end of it.
Then I heard my dad come back in the house. He came into my room, sat on the edge of my bed, looked down at me and said "Some day I hope to have a daughter again, but you never will be".
It wasn't his words that tore my heart out. It was the realization that no one wanted me:not even my own father. And so, for the next 6 years I continued to try and earn love at any cost. It didn't work.
Finally, in the summer of 2001, I encountered love in it's most beautiful form. I encountered the love of God. Pure. Real. Unconditional. Tender. Unending. Unfailing. Relentless. Perfect. I found my acceptance in the arms of God.
But it was not as if that encounter erased all those years of pain. I am still learning to receive that love and to stop striving to earn it. I still have to fight not to compare myself to others. When my prayers go unanswered, I have to resist the urge to believe that God is not answering me because he thinks I am not worth answering.
Over the years, there have been many ways that God has shown me his love, the most significant being through the love of my husband. In 2002, God brought Shane into my life. Imagine that. God brought two of the most unlikely people together for a lifetime. A guy who was raised in the church and with the exception of a few detours common to most of us, has loved God all his life...and me. The societal outcast. The single mom. The one with a past full of shame and sin. Shane was my heart's desire almost from the very beginning. I saw in him what I always believed a man could be. I knew that he was who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. A desire that I never expected God to fulfill. I would always think "I am not good enough for Shane' or 'He wants someone better for his wife'. I was wrong. God set us apart for one another from the very beginning of time. He gave me a husband who would restore my opinion of men, my understanding of marriage and ultimately, my opinion of myself. God has shown me that no matter how many people reject me, no matter what I have done, no matter where I come from or the names that have been placed on me, I have worth in his eyes. So much so that he determined that nothing less than the best marriage was good enough. My life is worth too much to my heavenly Father for him to allow me to carry any other name but "daughter of God". By Jesus I am called Chosen. Accepted. Beloved. No matter what they call me.