Rejected by Man, Chosen by God

I have been rejected. A lot. As a teenager the lifestyle I chose to pursue caused many people who were once friends to turn their backs on me. I made enemies through bad choices and became known around town for things I now wish I could wipe from my memory. I endured mocking by my classmates and, at times even by those I did not know. My reputation was making it impossible for anyone to see past my actions to the heartbreak I was carrying around with me.
I was just like everyone other teenage girl. I wanted to be liked. I desired to be popular. I dreamed of my wedding day, of marrying my high school sweetheart and having his family love and accept me with open arms. But that was not my life. I did not experience the acceptance that I desired at school, at church or anywhere else I looked for it.
I knew that I was the only one responsible for the road I was taking. I understood that people were rejecting and condemning me because of what I was doing. And yet, I kept walking the same way for 8 years. It was as if I thought that the only love I was going to find was the kind that could only be found one way. I knew that it wasn't real, but at least it was something. At least for a little while I could pretend that the arms I was in were there to love and protect me forever. That I was worth holding on to. That I was chosen. Every time I made that choice, I felt a little bit more worthless, a little bit more unlovable. Then one day, those feelings were confirmed.
My dad had very little to do with raising me. He was never really affectionate, supportive or protective. But he never deliberately tore me down. Unless he was drinking or under the influence of some sort of chemical substance. During those times, there was no way to know what was going to come out of his mouth. Many times, I chose not to listen. But when someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally says something that confirms the worst things you think about yourself, something deep within changes and you are faced with a choice. You can let it make you stronger or you can accept it and allow it to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I chose the latter.
Wondering what he said? Let me tell you. It was one afternoon when I was 16 years old. My mom and dad were arguing in the kitchen. When I heard my dad slam mom into the wall, I called the police. They came. Nothing was done because my parents were still legally married and mom did not want to press charges. But because they were separated, I assumed that was the end of it.
Then I heard my dad come back in the house. He came into my room, sat on the edge of my bed, looked down at me and said "Some day I hope to have a daughter again, but you never will be".
It wasn't his words that tore my heart out. It was the realization that no one wanted me:not even my own father. And so, for the next 6 years I continued to try and earn love at any cost. It didn't work.
Finally, in the summer of 2001, I encountered love in it's most beautiful form. I encountered the love of God. Pure. Real. Unconditional. Tender. Unending. Unfailing. Relentless. Perfect. I found my acceptance in the arms of God.
But it was not as if that encounter erased all those years of pain. I am still learning to receive that love and to stop striving to earn it. I still have to fight not to compare myself to others. When my prayers go unanswered, I have to resist the urge to believe that God is not answering me because he thinks I am not worth answering.
Over the years, there have been many ways that God has shown me his love, the most significant being through the love of my husband. In 2002, God brought Shane into my life. Imagine that. God brought two of the most unlikely people together for a lifetime. A guy who was raised in the church and with the exception of a few detours common to most of us, has loved God all his life...and me. The societal outcast. The single mom. The one with a past full of shame and sin. Shane was my heart's desire almost from the very beginning. I saw in him what I always believed a man could be. I knew that he was who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. A desire that I never expected God to fulfill. I would always think "I am not good enough for Shane' or 'He wants someone better for his wife'. I was wrong. God set us apart for one another from the very beginning of time. He gave me a husband who would restore my opinion of men, my understanding of marriage and ultimately, my opinion of myself. God has shown me that no matter how many people reject me, no matter what I have done, no matter where I come from or the names that have been placed on me, I have worth in his eyes. So much so that he determined that nothing less than the best marriage was good enough. My life is worth too much to my heavenly Father for him to allow me to carry any other name but "daughter of God". By Jesus I am called Chosen. Accepted. Beloved. No matter what they call me.

In Pursuit of Contentment pt 3

"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hunger, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him whjo gives me strength". Philippians 4:11 & 12


I cannot claim to be far enough along on my journey to contentment to know what it is all about. I can't tell you how it feels to be at peace with life regardless of circumstance. I have not yet experienced the freedom that comes with a fully surrendered heart, mind and life. I am not yet in a place of identifying fully with the apostle Paul. I have so much to learn and so far to go.

However, I do not have as far to go as I did when I first set out. I know that God has been working in my heart to bring about the attitude and lifestyle he desires from me as his child. He has taught me much. And though I am still trying to understand what contentment is, I do believe God has taught me two things that contentment is not:

1. Contentment is not an emotion. So many times, I find myself thinking that if I could just feel content, then it would be so much easier to rest in God. I would be able to rely on my feelings to get me through when things are not going the way I would like them to. I would feel peaceful and hopeful regardless of the ways things look. Well, if that were the case, then everyone would desire to learn to be content. But we do not. Those of us who have tried to walk this path before know that it is fraught with unpleasant emotions and unfilfilled desires. There is nothing glamorous or even easy about learning to be content. Contentment runs deeper than feeling. It is a process that must be learned and endured. And as far as I can tell, there is one way to learn: by going through the very trials, temptations, losses and circumstances that will likely cause us to feel discontent and restless. I know that this is probably an unwelcome insight, one that you would have been happier never having known. But if we are sincere in our desire to be content with the life we have been given, seeking nothing above Christ, we will accept it.

I am certain that when Paul came to write about learning contentment, he had not learned it through the advice of others or by watching someone else go through it. His learning to be content being hungry means that he would have had to go hungry. This is what leads me to say that contentment is not an emotion. Surely Paul did not feel good about being hungry or going without. Likely, his heart and physical body were aching with desire to be provided for, nurtured and taken care of. Godly desires to have his needs met. Yet, at times, desires that went unfulfilled. I look to Paul as my example on this journey. If I were hungry, I would question God's love and provision. If I was in lack, I would wonder why my heavenly Father was not following through with the promises his Word makes to me. But Paul, by the grace of God, was able to look past what God did not seem to be doing to who God is. He is sufficient for every need. He is present in every heartache. He is in control of the most dire circumstance. He is allowing us to suffer that we might be transformed more and more into his likeness. That was what Paul fixed his eyes upon and it is the truth that got him through. As he looked to Jesus, he was strengthened to endure whatever came his way. Not because it felt good, but because he chose to believe and put his trust in the character of God. Even when it hurt.

2. Contentment is not a stop on the way to where I am going. I can't recall how many times I have thought that being content with where I am was a temporary state of being until God decided to step in and change my circumstance. I thought that if I could only learn to be content with little money or unfulfilled longings, then I would have learned the lesson and God would change everything. I would end up getting what I wanted. I have come to realize, however, that if I am trying to be content only to speed along the process of God moving me to a better place in life, it is neither genuine nor lasting. When put to the test, it does not hold up. Right below the surface of my "contentment" lies the real state of my heart. I end up going back and forth between trusting God and choosing to remain in him and growing angry with him for not just answering my prayers in the first place.

True contentment is not based on what might happen. I must choose to learn contentment even if the thing I am struggling with never changes. If I am trying to be content just to pass the time and prevent myself from going crazy until God answers my prayer, I am placing my trust not in God himself but in what he is going to do for me. What then happens to my faith should God decide not to grant a certain request or work things out the way I think he should? It gets shaken. I begin to doubt and worry. I grow anxious and try to make things happen on my own because I don't trust God to take care of me. I have spent so much time focusing on what God is going to do that I have not taken time enough to focus on who he is and my foundation has been built upon the sand.

If, on the other hand, I choose to see contentment as a lasting state, I will come to know the peace and rest of God. Even if circumstances never change and I must live with something I did not choose, I will know that I have gained more than I could ever have asked for just because I know Jesus.

Life with Dad pt 2

After we confronted my dad about his drinking problem, things rapidly began to unravel. Perhaps having been caught gave him the freedom to stop hiding. Maybe he thought that since he had already let everyone down, he might as well stop trying to maintain the image. Really, I have no idea what was going on in my dad's heart and mind in the days following our intervention. All I know is that it brought about the events that would eventually destroy our family beyond the point of reparation.

I was only fourteen at the time so I can't say that I remember exactly when certain events took place. There are probably many things I have forgotten or do not remember with absolute accuracy. But there are certain times throughout my teen years that I am able to recall as though they happened yesterday. Once the truth was out, I quickly began to realize that I couldn't bring my friends around the house until I knew what kind of state dad was going to be in. Not because I feared his actions, but because I feared their reactions. I rather enjoyed being the one who was envied for the money and lifestyle we had. I was perfectly happy allowing everyone to continue thinking my life was perfect.

Regardless of what my friends thought, however, I couldn't run from what was changing inside of me. I was never a perfect Christian kid. I did and said things that I knew were wrong in the name of fitting in. I hated church. I wanted to know God but not as much as I wanted to be popular. When things at home got ugly, I started to see my hope of being well liked and happy begin to slip away. Up until that point I had always placed God on the back burner. He was there if I was desperate, lonely or bored. I knew that if I needed to I could turn back to Him and buy my ticket into heaven. I was okay with Him as long as he didn't interfere with my life. Now that I was the daughter of an alcoholic, I was no longer okay with God. In fact, I didn't understand what my mother's problem was.

Things got bad. She prayed. Things got worse. She prayed harder. All hell broke loose. She held onto her faith. I remember thinking 'what on earth is she doing this for? Doesn't she see that God is not answering her prayers? He doesn't care about her marriage or our lives or our family.' That was really all it took for me to go from lukewarm to freezing cold. No way was I going to have anything to do with a God who couldn't care less that my life was falling apart.

Turning away from God completely gave me some sort of mental license to allow myself to do the things my "God guilt" would never have allowed previously. Before, I would sit on the deck of the pool of sin, just getting my feet wet. Now, I decided it was time to dive in. After all, God didn't seem to honor my mom when she tried to live a holy lifestyle, so why not have some fun.

It was fair to say that I rejected God. Add to that my need to fit in and I was a disaster waiting to happen. I looked at what everyone around me was doing and I took it one step further. At the age of fourteen, I was already living a promiscuous lifestyle. I started smoking, drinking, and experimenting with drugs. I began to lose not only the conviction of breaking God's law, but moral conviction as well. I hurt my friends, I broke my parents' trust. I became a totally different person. To this day, I cannot explain fully why I chose to go that way. I was miserable. The things I was doing in the name of gaining acceptance were really just causing me to lose friends and develop a reputation no young girl wants to be stuck with. But I kept doing it anyway. For 8 years I continued down that path. Had anyone told me that the events of those 8 years would end up with me on my face before God, I would have refused to hear them out.

Nevertheless, my actions during that time, the consequences of those actions, a praying mom and the grace of God turned me from a cold hearted young girl into a redeemed child of God with purpose, hope and faith that any life can be restored.

In Pursuit of Contentment pt 2

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8

The journey to contentment is not fun. In fact, since I have begun to make a purposeful effort to seek God in this area, I would have to admit that I have grown more discontent with life. So much so that earlier this week I threw my hands up and decided that I was done with at all. No more struggle, no more sacrifice, no more disappointment, no more lack of fulfillment. If God was not going to answer my prayers and instead continue to allow me to hurt and to feel as though what I desire does not matter to Him, then I wanted out of the relationship. I wanted to be free to pursue a path that would bring satisfaction and prosperity and significance. Even if it was not in the ministry. Surely ministry is not the only way to affect lives. There must be a way that I can still make a difference without feeling so miserable on the inside all the time. I want my life to count for something. I want to know at the end of the road that I have fulfilled my purpose. That I will be leaving a legacy. I want something more than what I have right now.

And that is really what it is all about, isn't it? We make the misguided assumption often times that discontentment comes from a place of greed or lust or pride. If we are discontent, then it must be because of the evil or sinful desires we are harboring. It must be because our priorities are out of whack. Or maybe it is because we don't appreciate what we have. I have heard these arguments, variations of these arguments and many others with regards to why Christians are discontent. I do not doubt that in some cases they are true. I have been guilty of most, if not all, of them myself.

But what about those of us who do not chase after earthly riches or pleasures of the flesh? What if we are sincerely grateful for what we have been blessed with? What if our source of discontentment has nothing to do with any of the aforementioned arguments? What if we are in this place because of unfulfilled desires that are good and noble and godly? What if the very longing we experience is a longing God himself gave us in the first place? Then, I believe, the challenge is intensified. We know that if we are seeking after those things which are outside of the will of God for our lives, then we are likely to experience strife and heartache. We know that if we have motives other than those which God would approve of, then we can expect not to be answered the way we would like.

But when what we desire is something that we believe is from God and that will ultimately glorify Him and encourage others, the lack of fulfillment of those desires is puzzling to say the least. Now come the questions. Why give me the desires in the first place if you never intended to satisfy them? Why won't you answer my prayers? Why don't you care about my life? What am I doing here if I am not able to make a difference? Why are you preventing me from walking out my calling? Why are you withholding your favor and blessing from me? Why am I not seeing the promises of your Word come to pass in my life? And the list goes on and on. Likely, your questions differ from mine depending on the journey God has you on. Regardless of the question, however, the end result is often going to be the same.

While the desires we started out with may not be sinful in and of themselves, focusing on not getting what we want is dangerous. When we began to see more of what God has not done than what he has done, we step onto a slippery slope. Before long we are not only questioning his actions (or lack thereof), but his very character. Left unchecked, these questions can begin to make us wonder if God really does love us. We start to see that he is fulfilling desires and dreams and answering prayers all around us while we sit waiting for our turn. We begin to envy what everyone else has. We begin to think that God cannot be trusted with our lives because he will just take everything away and we will be left to merely exist, devoid of all purpose, passion and prosperity. And don't be fooled: this can happen a lot quicker than you might think. Thoughts of everything we do not have will soon turn to thoughts of what God has not done, which will soon turn to thoughts of who he is not.

I say all of that to say this: this week when I melted down and decided to give God an ultimatum (show me your love the way I want to see it, or else), he began to show me what was really in my heart. I thought it was all his fault. I questioned his love, faithfulness and generosity. Then, when I took time to breath between rant sessions, he took the opportunity to turn my gaze inward. My desires and dreams are not wrong. If fact, I know they are from God. But even something that is a gift from my heavenly Father can become a god if I allow it. I saw the dream. I saw what God wanted to do in, for and through me and I got excited about it. But as time passed and things did not unfold the way I wanted them to, I got discouraged. My focus shifted. No longer was I looking to him to be my sufficiency from day to day. I was looking to him merely to give me the promise. I allowed what he could do for me to become more important that who he was to me. Eventually, I saw him as cold, uncaring, stingy and negligent because he had not done what I thought he should have done when I thought he should have done it. All the while I was growing angry and cold toward him, he was patiently waiting for me to turn my heart back to him so he could show me the truth.

Maybe the source of your discontentment is different than mine. No matter why you are where you are, ask the Holy Spirit to show you your own heart first. What are the real motives behind what you are asking for? Has your relationship with God become conditional depending on what he will do for you? Has the gift become more valuable in your eyes than the Giver? It's okay to say yes. When we relent to see the truth, God can help us make it right. If we ask him to take his rightful place in our lives, with nothing competing for our attention, he will draw our eyes and hearts back to him and lesser things will once again begin to fade into the background. Being content comes from knowing that we have already received the greatest gift we could ever think to ask for: Jesus Christ. Nothing else compares. We need only to acknowledge that we have drifted, repent and ask to be transformed into people who can truly say "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".

Life with Dad pt 1

I question how much to share with you about my father. Not because I am ashamed or because I fear your judgment, but because I never want to say or do anything to dishonor my dad. When he was sober, my dad was the most amazing man in the world. Smart, funny, creative, outgoing, attractive, successful. My friends all loved him and we had earned the reputation in the town I went to school in as the 'family who had it all together'. He worked hard to provide for his wife and family and did everything he could to give me everything I desired. He was beloved and respected by many. His relationship with my mom was one that was admired and envied by every woman we knew. No matter what they were doing, you could always see how deeply in love my parents were. For the first few years of my life, I had everything a girl could want. Although we started out very poor, by the time I was 7 my dad had established himself in the business community and we were well on our way to living the dream. As a young girl, I remember thinking 'when I get married I hope it is to someone like my dad'.

But alcoholism has a way of destroying lives and families quickly and completely. I was 14 when my mom announced to my older brother and I that my dad had a drinking problem. This news was not unexpected. I had known for sometime that there was something wrong with my father. His behavior was unpredictable, his temper was out of control at times, he would say hurtful things and not seem to realize what he was saying. Add to that the slurred speech and the fact that I would often come home to find him passed out in the truck or on the couch and I had pretty much been able to draw my own conclusion. But I had no way of knowing how much my life was going to be impacted by the truth.

See, one day, my mom decided that her, my brother and I were all going to confront Dad and let him know that we wanted him to get help. She knew how much he loved us all and thought that if we asked him to get help, he would. He didn't. In fact, he was already drunk when mom sat him down to have the conversation and I will never forget the look on his face when Mom said “I told the kids about your drinking and we all want you to get help to stop”. I think it was really the first time I remember him looking at my mom with anything but love. In his eyes was not love, but contempt. He laughed at us and walked away.

I don't know if it was because he was angry or because he no longer had reason to hide his addiction, but things rapidly got much worse. My dad never raised a hand to me my entire life, but it is safe to say that the damage was done in other ways and took years to recover from. Over the course of the next 3 years, I would come to realize that alcoholism was the least of our worries.

In Pursuit of Contentment

"For I know that plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

A much loved and quoted piece of scripture. One that often offers hope and encouragement in times of struggle and confusion. But, if you read the title of this post you may be wondering what Jeremiah 29:11 has to do with contentment. After all, isn't this verse about our life and purpose as children of God? Yes, it is. And contentment is a big part of that purpose.

Fewer pursuits in my Christian walk have been more frustrating and seemingly elusive than that of contentment. There have been many times over the years when I have allowed my self to focus so fervently on what others have that I do not have that I have grown miserable, wondering why it is that God loves everyone else more than me. Why do they get what I desire when I am living my life for Him and they're not? Why do they seem to have such favor with God while my prayers seem to smack into the ceiling and then shoot directly back down to the floor unanswered?

Frankly, in these moments, I do not want to be content with who I am, where I am, or what I have. I want God to answer my prayers. I want Him to do for me what he is doing for others. Then, I think to myself, I would finally be happy. I would have arrived. I would have everything I need.

It is here I find my struggle. See, if I was discontent with my life and circumstances but desired to be content, I would have already accomplished something. I would have at least come to a place of willingness. Ultimately, that is what God asks of me: that I allow His Holy Spirit to come into my heart and life to do that work I am powerless to do myself. To be willing to be transformed into someone who is more forgiving, compassionate, generous, patient and, yes, even content.

But often I am not willing to be content. Why is that? Do I enjoy being miserable? Do I delight in being full of envy, wanting what I don't have? Of course not. I hate feeling this way. Whether I am looking to someone's home, lifestyle or finances, comparing myself to them only leaves me feeling insignificant and empty. But beyond even that, my biggest area in which I struggle to be content is in ministry. I have a dream and vision that I believe God has called me to. But the longer I wait, the more discouraged I grow. When I see someone who is doing what I desire to do, I feel hopeless that I will never see my dream and resentful that God gave them what I have been asking for for years.

However, even though this feeling of discontentment rips me up inside and leads me into deep issues of jealousy and bitterness, it is a feeling I have grown comfortable with. I know I can survive feeling this way. But I don't know if I can survive being content.

Strange statement, I know. But in my mind, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, contentment will always walk hand in hand with surrender. Not the kind of surrender that gives something to God gladly, knowing that what He has in store is far better than that which is being surrendered. No, I am talking about the kind of surrender that rips my heart out. Surrender with no strings attached. Surrender that must choose to trust God and His plan no matter what must be lost to see it come to pass. Real surrender.

Strangely, it is easier for me to live each day praying for that blessing, answer or vision to come and refusing to let go than to allow God to bring me to a place of contentment even if I never receive what I am asking for.

So, the thing that is hindering my path to contentment is not specifically greed, lust or even jealousy, but fear. Fear that being content where I am will mean never getting where I want to be. Fear that being content somehow means settling for second best rather than pursuing my dreams. Fear that, deep down, questions whether God's plan for me really is as good as what I want for myself.

So, as the Holy Spirit reveals to me the condition of my heart and my lack of trust, I begin to pray. I know that if I am ever really going to experience the life God has for me, if I am ever really going to be able to trust Him completely and have the freedom that comes from knowing He is in control, something has to change. That something is me.

Now, as I pray, I am choosing to pray differently. As much as I want to ask for God to give me what I want, I don't. Instead, I pray that my desire to trust Him fully and pursue His will faithfully would be far greater than my desire for anything He can give me or do for me. I am asking that He would help me to let go of my desires to embrace His. I am asking for Him to make me willing. Because once I am willing, I have become to overcome through the power of Jesus Christ.

Maybe you relate to the struggle for contentment and to trust God fully and maybe you don't. But if this is all sounding too familiar, join me in praying for the ability to trust God fully, knowing that His plans for us are perfect.

Thanks to God (and Mom)

There was nothing particularly exceptional about my childhood. In fact, I remember very little of it ( a fact that grieves my mother because it was apparently the best time of my life).

I was born in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada into a blended family with very little money. I don't ever remember that affecting me as a child, however. What I do remember more than anything else is the impact my mother had on my life.

My mom is a devout Christian who embodies love, gentleness, patience and kindness. She is the mom everyone wants and many of my friends throughout my childhood and teen years would adopt as their own. With her there is always a safe place, a listening ear and a firm but loving word of correction or encouragement. Had I not had her in the background of my life I believe things would have turned out very differently. No matter where I was or what I was doing, she was there in the back of my mind and in my heart. The character that she had worked so hard to instill through years of hard work, prayer, discipline and teaching was always there below the surface. And many years later, through the grace of God alone everything I had known to be true but resisted my whole life became everything I desired and lived for: a life surrendered fully to Jesus Christ.

I know that at this point the story sounds somewhat trite. A nice little girl born into a poor but loving family who found the strength in God to overcome adversity and succeed in life. NOT SO.

My father was an alcoholic. A fact that I would not fully understand until the age of 14 but that would cause life as I knew to be altered forever. A fact that could not be unlearned and that has led my life down a surprising path full of disappointment, heartache and fear. A fact that God has since used to strengthen and grow me; to make beauty for ashes in my life; and to enable me to help others who find that life is not what they dreamed it would one day be.

Please understand that my intention here is not to have you feel sorry for me or to have attention drawn to myself or my life. It is rather to point to a God who is able to take a life that has been destroyed by circumstances and bad decisions and turn it around completely. It is to show people a God who cares deeply for the state they find themselves in and desires nothing more than to offer hope, healing and joy.

As my story unfolds day after day, I hope that you are able to find something that you can identify with. my life has been a journey full of abuse, addictions, failure, sin, promiscuity, feelings of worthlessness and depression. However, it is now a journey of healing, restoration, hope, purpose, passion, love and redemption. I hope that through Jesus Christ, you will find the same.

A Bit of Me

I am a pastor. And because of that, I have often struggled with how much of the truth of myself I should make know to those around me. If people were to know who I really am, where I come from, what I have done, would my credibility be lost? I hope not, because I believe that my past, my struggles, my choices and the deliverance from those things are what makes my testimony strong and causes people to see in me not a perfect woman but a life redeemed from the pit of hell into the kingdom of God: Restored, renewed and transformed to be used to transform others.
In short, I believe God wants to use my life experience to offer hope to a world who desperately needs it.
I am not extraordinary. But God has done and is doing extraordinary things in and through me.
For His sake and to glorify his name, I want to share my story with you.