In Pursuit of Contentment

"For I know that plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

A much loved and quoted piece of scripture. One that often offers hope and encouragement in times of struggle and confusion. But, if you read the title of this post you may be wondering what Jeremiah 29:11 has to do with contentment. After all, isn't this verse about our life and purpose as children of God? Yes, it is. And contentment is a big part of that purpose.

Fewer pursuits in my Christian walk have been more frustrating and seemingly elusive than that of contentment. There have been many times over the years when I have allowed my self to focus so fervently on what others have that I do not have that I have grown miserable, wondering why it is that God loves everyone else more than me. Why do they get what I desire when I am living my life for Him and they're not? Why do they seem to have such favor with God while my prayers seem to smack into the ceiling and then shoot directly back down to the floor unanswered?

Frankly, in these moments, I do not want to be content with who I am, where I am, or what I have. I want God to answer my prayers. I want Him to do for me what he is doing for others. Then, I think to myself, I would finally be happy. I would have arrived. I would have everything I need.

It is here I find my struggle. See, if I was discontent with my life and circumstances but desired to be content, I would have already accomplished something. I would have at least come to a place of willingness. Ultimately, that is what God asks of me: that I allow His Holy Spirit to come into my heart and life to do that work I am powerless to do myself. To be willing to be transformed into someone who is more forgiving, compassionate, generous, patient and, yes, even content.

But often I am not willing to be content. Why is that? Do I enjoy being miserable? Do I delight in being full of envy, wanting what I don't have? Of course not. I hate feeling this way. Whether I am looking to someone's home, lifestyle or finances, comparing myself to them only leaves me feeling insignificant and empty. But beyond even that, my biggest area in which I struggle to be content is in ministry. I have a dream and vision that I believe God has called me to. But the longer I wait, the more discouraged I grow. When I see someone who is doing what I desire to do, I feel hopeless that I will never see my dream and resentful that God gave them what I have been asking for for years.

However, even though this feeling of discontentment rips me up inside and leads me into deep issues of jealousy and bitterness, it is a feeling I have grown comfortable with. I know I can survive feeling this way. But I don't know if I can survive being content.

Strange statement, I know. But in my mind, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, contentment will always walk hand in hand with surrender. Not the kind of surrender that gives something to God gladly, knowing that what He has in store is far better than that which is being surrendered. No, I am talking about the kind of surrender that rips my heart out. Surrender with no strings attached. Surrender that must choose to trust God and His plan no matter what must be lost to see it come to pass. Real surrender.

Strangely, it is easier for me to live each day praying for that blessing, answer or vision to come and refusing to let go than to allow God to bring me to a place of contentment even if I never receive what I am asking for.

So, the thing that is hindering my path to contentment is not specifically greed, lust or even jealousy, but fear. Fear that being content where I am will mean never getting where I want to be. Fear that being content somehow means settling for second best rather than pursuing my dreams. Fear that, deep down, questions whether God's plan for me really is as good as what I want for myself.

So, as the Holy Spirit reveals to me the condition of my heart and my lack of trust, I begin to pray. I know that if I am ever really going to experience the life God has for me, if I am ever really going to be able to trust Him completely and have the freedom that comes from knowing He is in control, something has to change. That something is me.

Now, as I pray, I am choosing to pray differently. As much as I want to ask for God to give me what I want, I don't. Instead, I pray that my desire to trust Him fully and pursue His will faithfully would be far greater than my desire for anything He can give me or do for me. I am asking that He would help me to let go of my desires to embrace His. I am asking for Him to make me willing. Because once I am willing, I have become to overcome through the power of Jesus Christ.

Maybe you relate to the struggle for contentment and to trust God fully and maybe you don't. But if this is all sounding too familiar, join me in praying for the ability to trust God fully, knowing that His plans for us are perfect.