"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hunger, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him whjo gives me strength". Philippians 4:11 & 12
I cannot claim to be far enough along on my journey to contentment to know what it is all about. I can't tell you how it feels to be at peace with life regardless of circumstance. I have not yet experienced the freedom that comes with a fully surrendered heart, mind and life. I am not yet in a place of identifying fully with the apostle Paul. I have so much to learn and so far to go.
However, I do not have as far to go as I did when I first set out. I know that God has been working in my heart to bring about the attitude and lifestyle he desires from me as his child. He has taught me much. And though I am still trying to understand what contentment is, I do believe God has taught me two things that contentment is not:
1. Contentment is not an emotion. So many times, I find myself thinking that if I could just feel content, then it would be so much easier to rest in God. I would be able to rely on my feelings to get me through when things are not going the way I would like them to. I would feel peaceful and hopeful regardless of the ways things look. Well, if that were the case, then everyone would desire to learn to be content. But we do not. Those of us who have tried to walk this path before know that it is fraught with unpleasant emotions and unfilfilled desires. There is nothing glamorous or even easy about learning to be content. Contentment runs deeper than feeling. It is a process that must be learned and endured. And as far as I can tell, there is one way to learn: by going through the very trials, temptations, losses and circumstances that will likely cause us to feel discontent and restless. I know that this is probably an unwelcome insight, one that you would have been happier never having known. But if we are sincere in our desire to be content with the life we have been given, seeking nothing above Christ, we will accept it.
I am certain that when Paul came to write about learning contentment, he had not learned it through the advice of others or by watching someone else go through it. His learning to be content being hungry means that he would have had to go hungry. This is what leads me to say that contentment is not an emotion. Surely Paul did not feel good about being hungry or going without. Likely, his heart and physical body were aching with desire to be provided for, nurtured and taken care of. Godly desires to have his needs met. Yet, at times, desires that went unfulfilled. I look to Paul as my example on this journey. If I were hungry, I would question God's love and provision. If I was in lack, I would wonder why my heavenly Father was not following through with the promises his Word makes to me. But Paul, by the grace of God, was able to look past what God did not seem to be doing to who God is. He is sufficient for every need. He is present in every heartache. He is in control of the most dire circumstance. He is allowing us to suffer that we might be transformed more and more into his likeness. That was what Paul fixed his eyes upon and it is the truth that got him through. As he looked to Jesus, he was strengthened to endure whatever came his way. Not because it felt good, but because he chose to believe and put his trust in the character of God. Even when it hurt.
2. Contentment is not a stop on the way to where I am going. I can't recall how many times I have thought that being content with where I am was a temporary state of being until God decided to step in and change my circumstance. I thought that if I could only learn to be content with little money or unfulfilled longings, then I would have learned the lesson and God would change everything. I would end up getting what I wanted. I have come to realize, however, that if I am trying to be content only to speed along the process of God moving me to a better place in life, it is neither genuine nor lasting. When put to the test, it does not hold up. Right below the surface of my "contentment" lies the real state of my heart. I end up going back and forth between trusting God and choosing to remain in him and growing angry with him for not just answering my prayers in the first place.
True contentment is not based on what might happen. I must choose to learn contentment even if the thing I am struggling with never changes. If I am trying to be content just to pass the time and prevent myself from going crazy until God answers my prayer, I am placing my trust not in God himself but in what he is going to do for me. What then happens to my faith should God decide not to grant a certain request or work things out the way I think he should? It gets shaken. I begin to doubt and worry. I grow anxious and try to make things happen on my own because I don't trust God to take care of me. I have spent so much time focusing on what God is going to do that I have not taken time enough to focus on who he is and my foundation has been built upon the sand.
If, on the other hand, I choose to see contentment as a lasting state, I will come to know the peace and rest of God. Even if circumstances never change and I must live with something I did not choose, I will know that I have gained more than I could ever have asked for just because I know Jesus.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Life with Dad pt 2
After we confronted my dad about his drinking problem, things rapidly began to unravel. Perhaps having been caught gave him the freedom to stop hiding. Maybe he thought that since he had already let everyone down, he might as well stop trying to maintain the image. Really, I have no idea what was going on in my dad's heart and mind in the days following our intervention. All I know is that it brought about the events that would eventually destroy our family beyond the point of reparation.
I was only fourteen at the time so I can't say that I remember exactly when certain events took place. There are probably many things I have forgotten or do not remember with absolute accuracy. But there are certain times throughout my teen years that I am able to recall as though they happened yesterday. Once the truth was out, I quickly began to realize that I couldn't bring my friends around the house until I knew what kind of state dad was going to be in. Not because I feared his actions, but because I feared their reactions. I rather enjoyed being the one who was envied for the money and lifestyle we had. I was perfectly happy allowing everyone to continue thinking my life was perfect.
Regardless of what my friends thought, however, I couldn't run from what was changing inside of me. I was never a perfect Christian kid. I did and said things that I knew were wrong in the name of fitting in. I hated church. I wanted to know God but not as much as I wanted to be popular. When things at home got ugly, I started to see my hope of being well liked and happy begin to slip away. Up until that point I had always placed God on the back burner. He was there if I was desperate, lonely or bored. I knew that if I needed to I could turn back to Him and buy my ticket into heaven. I was okay with Him as long as he didn't interfere with my life. Now that I was the daughter of an alcoholic, I was no longer okay with God. In fact, I didn't understand what my mother's problem was.
Things got bad. She prayed. Things got worse. She prayed harder. All hell broke loose. She held onto her faith. I remember thinking 'what on earth is she doing this for? Doesn't she see that God is not answering her prayers? He doesn't care about her marriage or our lives or our family.' That was really all it took for me to go from lukewarm to freezing cold. No way was I going to have anything to do with a God who couldn't care less that my life was falling apart.
Turning away from God completely gave me some sort of mental license to allow myself to do the things my "God guilt" would never have allowed previously. Before, I would sit on the deck of the pool of sin, just getting my feet wet. Now, I decided it was time to dive in. After all, God didn't seem to honor my mom when she tried to live a holy lifestyle, so why not have some fun.
It was fair to say that I rejected God. Add to that my need to fit in and I was a disaster waiting to happen. I looked at what everyone around me was doing and I took it one step further. At the age of fourteen, I was already living a promiscuous lifestyle. I started smoking, drinking, and experimenting with drugs. I began to lose not only the conviction of breaking God's law, but moral conviction as well. I hurt my friends, I broke my parents' trust. I became a totally different person. To this day, I cannot explain fully why I chose to go that way. I was miserable. The things I was doing in the name of gaining acceptance were really just causing me to lose friends and develop a reputation no young girl wants to be stuck with. But I kept doing it anyway. For 8 years I continued down that path. Had anyone told me that the events of those 8 years would end up with me on my face before God, I would have refused to hear them out.
Nevertheless, my actions during that time, the consequences of those actions, a praying mom and the grace of God turned me from a cold hearted young girl into a redeemed child of God with purpose, hope and faith that any life can be restored.
I was only fourteen at the time so I can't say that I remember exactly when certain events took place. There are probably many things I have forgotten or do not remember with absolute accuracy. But there are certain times throughout my teen years that I am able to recall as though they happened yesterday. Once the truth was out, I quickly began to realize that I couldn't bring my friends around the house until I knew what kind of state dad was going to be in. Not because I feared his actions, but because I feared their reactions. I rather enjoyed being the one who was envied for the money and lifestyle we had. I was perfectly happy allowing everyone to continue thinking my life was perfect.
Regardless of what my friends thought, however, I couldn't run from what was changing inside of me. I was never a perfect Christian kid. I did and said things that I knew were wrong in the name of fitting in. I hated church. I wanted to know God but not as much as I wanted to be popular. When things at home got ugly, I started to see my hope of being well liked and happy begin to slip away. Up until that point I had always placed God on the back burner. He was there if I was desperate, lonely or bored. I knew that if I needed to I could turn back to Him and buy my ticket into heaven. I was okay with Him as long as he didn't interfere with my life. Now that I was the daughter of an alcoholic, I was no longer okay with God. In fact, I didn't understand what my mother's problem was.
Things got bad. She prayed. Things got worse. She prayed harder. All hell broke loose. She held onto her faith. I remember thinking 'what on earth is she doing this for? Doesn't she see that God is not answering her prayers? He doesn't care about her marriage or our lives or our family.' That was really all it took for me to go from lukewarm to freezing cold. No way was I going to have anything to do with a God who couldn't care less that my life was falling apart.
Turning away from God completely gave me some sort of mental license to allow myself to do the things my "God guilt" would never have allowed previously. Before, I would sit on the deck of the pool of sin, just getting my feet wet. Now, I decided it was time to dive in. After all, God didn't seem to honor my mom when she tried to live a holy lifestyle, so why not have some fun.
It was fair to say that I rejected God. Add to that my need to fit in and I was a disaster waiting to happen. I looked at what everyone around me was doing and I took it one step further. At the age of fourteen, I was already living a promiscuous lifestyle. I started smoking, drinking, and experimenting with drugs. I began to lose not only the conviction of breaking God's law, but moral conviction as well. I hurt my friends, I broke my parents' trust. I became a totally different person. To this day, I cannot explain fully why I chose to go that way. I was miserable. The things I was doing in the name of gaining acceptance were really just causing me to lose friends and develop a reputation no young girl wants to be stuck with. But I kept doing it anyway. For 8 years I continued down that path. Had anyone told me that the events of those 8 years would end up with me on my face before God, I would have refused to hear them out.
Nevertheless, my actions during that time, the consequences of those actions, a praying mom and the grace of God turned me from a cold hearted young girl into a redeemed child of God with purpose, hope and faith that any life can be restored.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
In Pursuit of Contentment pt 2
"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8
The journey to contentment is not fun. In fact, since I have begun to make a purposeful effort to seek God in this area, I would have to admit that I have grown more discontent with life. So much so that earlier this week I threw my hands up and decided that I was done with at all. No more struggle, no more sacrifice, no more disappointment, no more lack of fulfillment. If God was not going to answer my prayers and instead continue to allow me to hurt and to feel as though what I desire does not matter to Him, then I wanted out of the relationship. I wanted to be free to pursue a path that would bring satisfaction and prosperity and significance. Even if it was not in the ministry. Surely ministry is not the only way to affect lives. There must be a way that I can still make a difference without feeling so miserable on the inside all the time. I want my life to count for something. I want to know at the end of the road that I have fulfilled my purpose. That I will be leaving a legacy. I want something more than what I have right now.
And that is really what it is all about, isn't it? We make the misguided assumption often times that discontentment comes from a place of greed or lust or pride. If we are discontent, then it must be because of the evil or sinful desires we are harboring. It must be because our priorities are out of whack. Or maybe it is because we don't appreciate what we have. I have heard these arguments, variations of these arguments and many others with regards to why Christians are discontent. I do not doubt that in some cases they are true. I have been guilty of most, if not all, of them myself.
But what about those of us who do not chase after earthly riches or pleasures of the flesh? What if we are sincerely grateful for what we have been blessed with? What if our source of discontentment has nothing to do with any of the aforementioned arguments? What if we are in this place because of unfulfilled desires that are good and noble and godly? What if the very longing we experience is a longing God himself gave us in the first place? Then, I believe, the challenge is intensified. We know that if we are seeking after those things which are outside of the will of God for our lives, then we are likely to experience strife and heartache. We know that if we have motives other than those which God would approve of, then we can expect not to be answered the way we would like.
But when what we desire is something that we believe is from God and that will ultimately glorify Him and encourage others, the lack of fulfillment of those desires is puzzling to say the least. Now come the questions. Why give me the desires in the first place if you never intended to satisfy them? Why won't you answer my prayers? Why don't you care about my life? What am I doing here if I am not able to make a difference? Why are you preventing me from walking out my calling? Why are you withholding your favor and blessing from me? Why am I not seeing the promises of your Word come to pass in my life? And the list goes on and on. Likely, your questions differ from mine depending on the journey God has you on. Regardless of the question, however, the end result is often going to be the same.
While the desires we started out with may not be sinful in and of themselves, focusing on not getting what we want is dangerous. When we began to see more of what God has not done than what he has done, we step onto a slippery slope. Before long we are not only questioning his actions (or lack thereof), but his very character. Left unchecked, these questions can begin to make us wonder if God really does love us. We start to see that he is fulfilling desires and dreams and answering prayers all around us while we sit waiting for our turn. We begin to envy what everyone else has. We begin to think that God cannot be trusted with our lives because he will just take everything away and we will be left to merely exist, devoid of all purpose, passion and prosperity. And don't be fooled: this can happen a lot quicker than you might think. Thoughts of everything we do not have will soon turn to thoughts of what God has not done, which will soon turn to thoughts of who he is not.
I say all of that to say this: this week when I melted down and decided to give God an ultimatum (show me your love the way I want to see it, or else), he began to show me what was really in my heart. I thought it was all his fault. I questioned his love, faithfulness and generosity. Then, when I took time to breath between rant sessions, he took the opportunity to turn my gaze inward. My desires and dreams are not wrong. If fact, I know they are from God. But even something that is a gift from my heavenly Father can become a god if I allow it. I saw the dream. I saw what God wanted to do in, for and through me and I got excited about it. But as time passed and things did not unfold the way I wanted them to, I got discouraged. My focus shifted. No longer was I looking to him to be my sufficiency from day to day. I was looking to him merely to give me the promise. I allowed what he could do for me to become more important that who he was to me. Eventually, I saw him as cold, uncaring, stingy and negligent because he had not done what I thought he should have done when I thought he should have done it. All the while I was growing angry and cold toward him, he was patiently waiting for me to turn my heart back to him so he could show me the truth.
Maybe the source of your discontentment is different than mine. No matter why you are where you are, ask the Holy Spirit to show you your own heart first. What are the real motives behind what you are asking for? Has your relationship with God become conditional depending on what he will do for you? Has the gift become more valuable in your eyes than the Giver? It's okay to say yes. When we relent to see the truth, God can help us make it right. If we ask him to take his rightful place in our lives, with nothing competing for our attention, he will draw our eyes and hearts back to him and lesser things will once again begin to fade into the background. Being content comes from knowing that we have already received the greatest gift we could ever think to ask for: Jesus Christ. Nothing else compares. We need only to acknowledge that we have drifted, repent and ask to be transformed into people who can truly say "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".
The journey to contentment is not fun. In fact, since I have begun to make a purposeful effort to seek God in this area, I would have to admit that I have grown more discontent with life. So much so that earlier this week I threw my hands up and decided that I was done with at all. No more struggle, no more sacrifice, no more disappointment, no more lack of fulfillment. If God was not going to answer my prayers and instead continue to allow me to hurt and to feel as though what I desire does not matter to Him, then I wanted out of the relationship. I wanted to be free to pursue a path that would bring satisfaction and prosperity and significance. Even if it was not in the ministry. Surely ministry is not the only way to affect lives. There must be a way that I can still make a difference without feeling so miserable on the inside all the time. I want my life to count for something. I want to know at the end of the road that I have fulfilled my purpose. That I will be leaving a legacy. I want something more than what I have right now.
And that is really what it is all about, isn't it? We make the misguided assumption often times that discontentment comes from a place of greed or lust or pride. If we are discontent, then it must be because of the evil or sinful desires we are harboring. It must be because our priorities are out of whack. Or maybe it is because we don't appreciate what we have. I have heard these arguments, variations of these arguments and many others with regards to why Christians are discontent. I do not doubt that in some cases they are true. I have been guilty of most, if not all, of them myself.
But what about those of us who do not chase after earthly riches or pleasures of the flesh? What if we are sincerely grateful for what we have been blessed with? What if our source of discontentment has nothing to do with any of the aforementioned arguments? What if we are in this place because of unfulfilled desires that are good and noble and godly? What if the very longing we experience is a longing God himself gave us in the first place? Then, I believe, the challenge is intensified. We know that if we are seeking after those things which are outside of the will of God for our lives, then we are likely to experience strife and heartache. We know that if we have motives other than those which God would approve of, then we can expect not to be answered the way we would like.
But when what we desire is something that we believe is from God and that will ultimately glorify Him and encourage others, the lack of fulfillment of those desires is puzzling to say the least. Now come the questions. Why give me the desires in the first place if you never intended to satisfy them? Why won't you answer my prayers? Why don't you care about my life? What am I doing here if I am not able to make a difference? Why are you preventing me from walking out my calling? Why are you withholding your favor and blessing from me? Why am I not seeing the promises of your Word come to pass in my life? And the list goes on and on. Likely, your questions differ from mine depending on the journey God has you on. Regardless of the question, however, the end result is often going to be the same.
While the desires we started out with may not be sinful in and of themselves, focusing on not getting what we want is dangerous. When we began to see more of what God has not done than what he has done, we step onto a slippery slope. Before long we are not only questioning his actions (or lack thereof), but his very character. Left unchecked, these questions can begin to make us wonder if God really does love us. We start to see that he is fulfilling desires and dreams and answering prayers all around us while we sit waiting for our turn. We begin to envy what everyone else has. We begin to think that God cannot be trusted with our lives because he will just take everything away and we will be left to merely exist, devoid of all purpose, passion and prosperity. And don't be fooled: this can happen a lot quicker than you might think. Thoughts of everything we do not have will soon turn to thoughts of what God has not done, which will soon turn to thoughts of who he is not.
I say all of that to say this: this week when I melted down and decided to give God an ultimatum (show me your love the way I want to see it, or else), he began to show me what was really in my heart. I thought it was all his fault. I questioned his love, faithfulness and generosity. Then, when I took time to breath between rant sessions, he took the opportunity to turn my gaze inward. My desires and dreams are not wrong. If fact, I know they are from God. But even something that is a gift from my heavenly Father can become a god if I allow it. I saw the dream. I saw what God wanted to do in, for and through me and I got excited about it. But as time passed and things did not unfold the way I wanted them to, I got discouraged. My focus shifted. No longer was I looking to him to be my sufficiency from day to day. I was looking to him merely to give me the promise. I allowed what he could do for me to become more important that who he was to me. Eventually, I saw him as cold, uncaring, stingy and negligent because he had not done what I thought he should have done when I thought he should have done it. All the while I was growing angry and cold toward him, he was patiently waiting for me to turn my heart back to him so he could show me the truth.
Maybe the source of your discontentment is different than mine. No matter why you are where you are, ask the Holy Spirit to show you your own heart first. What are the real motives behind what you are asking for? Has your relationship with God become conditional depending on what he will do for you? Has the gift become more valuable in your eyes than the Giver? It's okay to say yes. When we relent to see the truth, God can help us make it right. If we ask him to take his rightful place in our lives, with nothing competing for our attention, he will draw our eyes and hearts back to him and lesser things will once again begin to fade into the background. Being content comes from knowing that we have already received the greatest gift we could ever think to ask for: Jesus Christ. Nothing else compares. We need only to acknowledge that we have drifted, repent and ask to be transformed into people who can truly say "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".
Monday, March 8, 2010
Life with Dad pt 1
I question how much to share with you about my father. Not because I am ashamed or because I fear your judgment, but because I never want to say or do anything to dishonor my dad. When he was sober, my dad was the most amazing man in the world. Smart, funny, creative, outgoing, attractive, successful. My friends all loved him and we had earned the reputation in the town I went to school in as the 'family who had it all together'. He worked hard to provide for his wife and family and did everything he could to give me everything I desired. He was beloved and respected by many. His relationship with my mom was one that was admired and envied by every woman we knew. No matter what they were doing, you could always see how deeply in love my parents were. For the first few years of my life, I had everything a girl could want. Although we started out very poor, by the time I was 7 my dad had established himself in the business community and we were well on our way to living the dream. As a young girl, I remember thinking 'when I get married I hope it is to someone like my dad'.
But alcoholism has a way of destroying lives and families quickly and completely. I was 14 when my mom announced to my older brother and I that my dad had a drinking problem. This news was not unexpected. I had known for sometime that there was something wrong with my father. His behavior was unpredictable, his temper was out of control at times, he would say hurtful things and not seem to realize what he was saying. Add to that the slurred speech and the fact that I would often come home to find him passed out in the truck or on the couch and I had pretty much been able to draw my own conclusion. But I had no way of knowing how much my life was going to be impacted by the truth.
See, one day, my mom decided that her, my brother and I were all going to confront Dad and let him know that we wanted him to get help. She knew how much he loved us all and thought that if we asked him to get help, he would. He didn't. In fact, he was already drunk when mom sat him down to have the conversation and I will never forget the look on his face when Mom said “I told the kids about your drinking and we all want you to get help to stop”. I think it was really the first time I remember him looking at my mom with anything but love. In his eyes was not love, but contempt. He laughed at us and walked away.
I don't know if it was because he was angry or because he no longer had reason to hide his addiction, but things rapidly got much worse. My dad never raised a hand to me my entire life, but it is safe to say that the damage was done in other ways and took years to recover from. Over the course of the next 3 years, I would come to realize that alcoholism was the least of our worries.
But alcoholism has a way of destroying lives and families quickly and completely. I was 14 when my mom announced to my older brother and I that my dad had a drinking problem. This news was not unexpected. I had known for sometime that there was something wrong with my father. His behavior was unpredictable, his temper was out of control at times, he would say hurtful things and not seem to realize what he was saying. Add to that the slurred speech and the fact that I would often come home to find him passed out in the truck or on the couch and I had pretty much been able to draw my own conclusion. But I had no way of knowing how much my life was going to be impacted by the truth.
See, one day, my mom decided that her, my brother and I were all going to confront Dad and let him know that we wanted him to get help. She knew how much he loved us all and thought that if we asked him to get help, he would. He didn't. In fact, he was already drunk when mom sat him down to have the conversation and I will never forget the look on his face when Mom said “I told the kids about your drinking and we all want you to get help to stop”. I think it was really the first time I remember him looking at my mom with anything but love. In his eyes was not love, but contempt. He laughed at us and walked away.
I don't know if it was because he was angry or because he no longer had reason to hide his addiction, but things rapidly got much worse. My dad never raised a hand to me my entire life, but it is safe to say that the damage was done in other ways and took years to recover from. Over the course of the next 3 years, I would come to realize that alcoholism was the least of our worries.
Friday, March 5, 2010
In Pursuit of Contentment
"For I know that plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
A much loved and quoted piece of scripture. One that often offers hope and encouragement in times of struggle and confusion. But, if you read the title of this post you may be wondering what Jeremiah 29:11 has to do with contentment. After all, isn't this verse about our life and purpose as children of God? Yes, it is. And contentment is a big part of that purpose.
Fewer pursuits in my Christian walk have been more frustrating and seemingly elusive than that of contentment. There have been many times over the years when I have allowed my self to focus so fervently on what others have that I do not have that I have grown miserable, wondering why it is that God loves everyone else more than me. Why do they get what I desire when I am living my life for Him and they're not? Why do they seem to have such favor with God while my prayers seem to smack into the ceiling and then shoot directly back down to the floor unanswered?
Frankly, in these moments, I do not want to be content with who I am, where I am, or what I have. I want God to answer my prayers. I want Him to do for me what he is doing for others. Then, I think to myself, I would finally be happy. I would have arrived. I would have everything I need.
It is here I find my struggle. See, if I was discontent with my life and circumstances but desired to be content, I would have already accomplished something. I would have at least come to a place of willingness. Ultimately, that is what God asks of me: that I allow His Holy Spirit to come into my heart and life to do that work I am powerless to do myself. To be willing to be transformed into someone who is more forgiving, compassionate, generous, patient and, yes, even content.
But often I am not willing to be content. Why is that? Do I enjoy being miserable? Do I delight in being full of envy, wanting what I don't have? Of course not. I hate feeling this way. Whether I am looking to someone's home, lifestyle or finances, comparing myself to them only leaves me feeling insignificant and empty. But beyond even that, my biggest area in which I struggle to be content is in ministry. I have a dream and vision that I believe God has called me to. But the longer I wait, the more discouraged I grow. When I see someone who is doing what I desire to do, I feel hopeless that I will never see my dream and resentful that God gave them what I have been asking for for years.
However, even though this feeling of discontentment rips me up inside and leads me into deep issues of jealousy and bitterness, it is a feeling I have grown comfortable with. I know I can survive feeling this way. But I don't know if I can survive being content.
Strange statement, I know. But in my mind, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, contentment will always walk hand in hand with surrender. Not the kind of surrender that gives something to God gladly, knowing that what He has in store is far better than that which is being surrendered. No, I am talking about the kind of surrender that rips my heart out. Surrender with no strings attached. Surrender that must choose to trust God and His plan no matter what must be lost to see it come to pass. Real surrender.
Strangely, it is easier for me to live each day praying for that blessing, answer or vision to come and refusing to let go than to allow God to bring me to a place of contentment even if I never receive what I am asking for.
So, the thing that is hindering my path to contentment is not specifically greed, lust or even jealousy, but fear. Fear that being content where I am will mean never getting where I want to be. Fear that being content somehow means settling for second best rather than pursuing my dreams. Fear that, deep down, questions whether God's plan for me really is as good as what I want for myself.
So, as the Holy Spirit reveals to me the condition of my heart and my lack of trust, I begin to pray. I know that if I am ever really going to experience the life God has for me, if I am ever really going to be able to trust Him completely and have the freedom that comes from knowing He is in control, something has to change. That something is me.
Now, as I pray, I am choosing to pray differently. As much as I want to ask for God to give me what I want, I don't. Instead, I pray that my desire to trust Him fully and pursue His will faithfully would be far greater than my desire for anything He can give me or do for me. I am asking that He would help me to let go of my desires to embrace His. I am asking for Him to make me willing. Because once I am willing, I have become to overcome through the power of Jesus Christ.
Maybe you relate to the struggle for contentment and to trust God fully and maybe you don't. But if this is all sounding too familiar, join me in praying for the ability to trust God fully, knowing that His plans for us are perfect.
A much loved and quoted piece of scripture. One that often offers hope and encouragement in times of struggle and confusion. But, if you read the title of this post you may be wondering what Jeremiah 29:11 has to do with contentment. After all, isn't this verse about our life and purpose as children of God? Yes, it is. And contentment is a big part of that purpose.
Fewer pursuits in my Christian walk have been more frustrating and seemingly elusive than that of contentment. There have been many times over the years when I have allowed my self to focus so fervently on what others have that I do not have that I have grown miserable, wondering why it is that God loves everyone else more than me. Why do they get what I desire when I am living my life for Him and they're not? Why do they seem to have such favor with God while my prayers seem to smack into the ceiling and then shoot directly back down to the floor unanswered?
Frankly, in these moments, I do not want to be content with who I am, where I am, or what I have. I want God to answer my prayers. I want Him to do for me what he is doing for others. Then, I think to myself, I would finally be happy. I would have arrived. I would have everything I need.
It is here I find my struggle. See, if I was discontent with my life and circumstances but desired to be content, I would have already accomplished something. I would have at least come to a place of willingness. Ultimately, that is what God asks of me: that I allow His Holy Spirit to come into my heart and life to do that work I am powerless to do myself. To be willing to be transformed into someone who is more forgiving, compassionate, generous, patient and, yes, even content.
But often I am not willing to be content. Why is that? Do I enjoy being miserable? Do I delight in being full of envy, wanting what I don't have? Of course not. I hate feeling this way. Whether I am looking to someone's home, lifestyle or finances, comparing myself to them only leaves me feeling insignificant and empty. But beyond even that, my biggest area in which I struggle to be content is in ministry. I have a dream and vision that I believe God has called me to. But the longer I wait, the more discouraged I grow. When I see someone who is doing what I desire to do, I feel hopeless that I will never see my dream and resentful that God gave them what I have been asking for for years.
However, even though this feeling of discontentment rips me up inside and leads me into deep issues of jealousy and bitterness, it is a feeling I have grown comfortable with. I know I can survive feeling this way. But I don't know if I can survive being content.
Strange statement, I know. But in my mind, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, contentment will always walk hand in hand with surrender. Not the kind of surrender that gives something to God gladly, knowing that what He has in store is far better than that which is being surrendered. No, I am talking about the kind of surrender that rips my heart out. Surrender with no strings attached. Surrender that must choose to trust God and His plan no matter what must be lost to see it come to pass. Real surrender.
Strangely, it is easier for me to live each day praying for that blessing, answer or vision to come and refusing to let go than to allow God to bring me to a place of contentment even if I never receive what I am asking for.
So, the thing that is hindering my path to contentment is not specifically greed, lust or even jealousy, but fear. Fear that being content where I am will mean never getting where I want to be. Fear that being content somehow means settling for second best rather than pursuing my dreams. Fear that, deep down, questions whether God's plan for me really is as good as what I want for myself.
So, as the Holy Spirit reveals to me the condition of my heart and my lack of trust, I begin to pray. I know that if I am ever really going to experience the life God has for me, if I am ever really going to be able to trust Him completely and have the freedom that comes from knowing He is in control, something has to change. That something is me.
Now, as I pray, I am choosing to pray differently. As much as I want to ask for God to give me what I want, I don't. Instead, I pray that my desire to trust Him fully and pursue His will faithfully would be far greater than my desire for anything He can give me or do for me. I am asking that He would help me to let go of my desires to embrace His. I am asking for Him to make me willing. Because once I am willing, I have become to overcome through the power of Jesus Christ.
Maybe you relate to the struggle for contentment and to trust God fully and maybe you don't. But if this is all sounding too familiar, join me in praying for the ability to trust God fully, knowing that His plans for us are perfect.
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